"Relationship Advice for Respecting Yourself and Getting More Love"
 

By Susie and Otto Collins

We all want it and when it seems to be missing, we might even demand it. We're talking about respect.

You may be in a relationship dynamic where  you, just like Aretha Franklin so powerfully asked for, desire just a little more “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” from your partner. 

This can especially be felt when it comes to communication.  When you feel that your mate does not respect your thoughts, opinions and insights, connection between the two of you will probably suffer along with your communication.

How can you ask for and receive respect from your partner in a way that brings you two closer together? The answer, believe it or not, lies within yourself and not so much with the one you love.

Often, our perceptions of how we're being treated come directly from how we tend to view and treat ourselves.  Does this mean you're making up the possibly abusive way your partner acts towards your?

Of course not. When someone is mistreating you or discounting what you have to say, it is important that you address the hurtful actions.  But you can more effectively communicate how you want to be treated when you are aware of your own internal beliefs and assumptions. 

Jake's friends all counsel him to dump Liz.

After all, they've told him many times, “she walks all over you.”  While Jake doesn't think Liz treats him as poorly as his friends do, he doesn't feel like he is respected in their relationship. 

He and Liz have dated for 2 years now and they've settled into quite a few communication habits that are uncomfortable for Jake.  He feels like Liz shuts him down whenever there is a disagreement (no matter how small or large). 

Liz keeps talking about moving in together and as much as he cares about Liz and wants to want this, a strong voice within him is saying a big “NO.” 

He really dislikes making Liz angry and, as she keeps talking about them moving in together making most of the decisions without his input, he feels like his own life is completely out of his control. Right now Jake just wants to go away and hide.

How much do you respect yourself?

Another pop-soul artist and actor Bruce Willis wisely advised every person to “respect yourself.”  This is the first step to feeling respected and what it really comes down to. 

Ask yourself, how much do you give yourself respect? How well do you really listen to and abide by the wisdom within yourself?  Do you tend to put what you think others want above what you really want? Are you concerned that someone will be unhappy or angry with you if you don't go along with what he or she wants?

If any of this rings true for you, there is room for expansion in your self-respect department.

During one of his early morning runs in the park, Jake realizes how many times he automatically bows to what he thinks Liz wants to do just to avoid a fight. This realization makes him angry and even more dissatisfied. 

He also sees how much he shoves down his preferences and opinions at work and within his family. In fact, Jake can't remember a time when he didn't put others first-- at least that's how it feels to him in this moment. 

As he continues his run, he decides to stop and begin to listen to what he really wants to do instead of immediately agreeing with everything.

Do you allow yourself to receive respect?

Once you decide to listen more to what you want deep down inside before automatically saying yes or just biting your tongue in silence, you are on the path to self-respect and empowerment. 

Does this mean that Jake should return home from his run, call Liz and yell around at her for all of the past times she's shut him down?

No! Jake can work inwardly to build up his sense of love and care for himself without treating his love the way he feels he is being treated. 

Flipping the perceived power dynamics around will not bring Jake and Liz closer together or make either of them feel better.

Instead of moving from supposed victim to aggressor, as you internally build self-respect, you can also start to open up to receiving respect. 

When you begin to feel better about yourself and act accordingly, you may begin to notice more opportunities to receive respect. 

This may be subtle so you have to pay attention. Perhaps Liz asks Jake where he'd like to eat for dinner one night. 

It may be that she's actually asked for his input in the past and he's tended to put the decision on her. Or it may be that she's never asked his restaurant preference before.

Either way, when a chance to be listened to in your relationship arises, take it! In this seemingly small moment, Jake can experience speaking his desire and Liz wanting to hear it. 

Allow those good feelings and be on the look-out for more because they are probably there-- or coming soon.

Communication can be like a song in two-part harmony. One of the singers may be way off-key but chances are, both are contributing to the dissonant or melodic qualities that result. 

Feeling clear and sure about yourself, what you want and who you are is vital to feeling respected.  Coming from an empowered place of self-respect, you probably won't have to ask for your partner's respect very often if at all. It can flow easily and be shared. 

For more info about how to communicate when it's tough, visit http://www.StopTalkingOnEggshells.com

Resource Links                                     
      

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Creating Relationship Magic

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